I'm fighting anxiety, and you should too

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Listen, if you don't properly understand what anxiety is, you'll get lost in the lines below. The thing is, we all experience being nervous on different scales, for different levels, and that is absolutely normal.

However, the anxiety on the table today, is a crippling fear of the unknown; a deep inability to lose one's grip, to react spontaneously, to do anything at all beyond one's control.

This is not even a medical article. This is anxiety as I experience it. If you have ever sat for two hours with your phone in your hands, finger hovering over the ‘call’ button, then this is for you and I.

You might be able to relate to planning all possible conversations the night before, with people you might meet...and then cancelling at the last minute.

There are always a bunch of excuses available, mostly inside your head. I say, “ I wouldn't have enjoyed the event anyway”. “He and I wouldn't have worked out. Best to cancel now”.

That worst case scenario thing, absolutely sucks. This is because the moment something even remotely similar happens, you say to yourself, “I told you so”.

This sucks, like I said, because the little glitches that are normal for everyone else who isn't struggling with a mental illness, become walls of fear that you build around yourself.

Like this:

A young woman meets a handsome young man. He seems really interested in her, and for her, that is the first red flag.

Why? This young woman has so thoroughly analysed herself and drawn conclusions as to what she thinks she is, that she refuses to believe that anyone can find her ‘gorgeous’. Smart, yes. Witty, definitely. Even intimidating. Gorgeous? He's probably lying. She is actually fully aware that she is pretty, even to the point of being striking. However, when someone points it out, it just seems... insincere.

This is where anxiety plays in, making this young woman sound and act awkward, standoffish, and just generally giving subconscious vibes of “stay away”.

From here on, every word he says, every nuance, is interpreted: You already know that the relationship will not last. He will lose interest. He will play around. Is he too intense? It will burn out quickly.

Of course, these are genuine fears that actually happen. The problem is, they don't always happen, and anxiety makes you feel like the worst case scenario is inevitable.

Filling out forms becomes a mountain, entering details a line a day, and deliberately stalling until the deadline passes. Then you heave a sigh of relief, because that pressure has died down.

The key, I have discovered, is to acknowledge that something is wrong. It isn't a regular behavior to look at your phone ringing on and on, and be unable to answer any call that doesn't say, “mom, dad, siblings”, because those are safe conversations you can have without having to plan it first.

It is isn't regular to lie awake and analyse every single action, every way you blinked and turned when you went out, and it's even worse when you create reactions for other people.

Yes, anxiety puts you in a false, often hurtful world. Someone's cough while you were speaking becomes a mocking scoff. The strangers behind you were probably laughing at your walking pattern.

Anxiety is so painful, that you might even create a false conversation for those strangers!

Like this: (You, walking in front, measuring every step, painfully aware that you might be moving in a crooked pattern. It's probably not true, you have been complimented for your sleek movement times without number, but it's not stopping the negative thoughts).

And so, you imagine that stranger 1 might say: “That person looks so funny. Why's she walking like that?”

Stranger 2: LMAO.

Anxiety is a struggle, guys. Mental illness is painful. It is a constant fight with your mind.

If you can relate with all these, it's okay because it is more common than you think.

What is not okay, is constantly allowing anxiety to ruin our lives. It is not okay to miss wonderful opportunities because of fear. Yes, we might not have gotten the scholarship anyway, but what if we did?

This brings to mind a saying that I really love, one that helps me actually push that call button on particularly difficult days.

It goes: “What if I fall? But oh my darling, what if you fly?”.

Let's do shadow work, y'all! Shadow work is a spiritual process of sitting with yourself, and untangling the intricate details that make you who you are.

For example; do you have a temper? Why? Is it because you were a particularly vulnerable child, highly sensitive to everything. Little insults hurt. Criticisms stuck right under your skin, and you learned to lash out before the world could get to you.

Shadow work means examining your defense mechanisms. Why am I the way I am? Why am I so afraid to lose control? Did something or a whole bunch of somethings happen to take away my sense of balance, forcing me to create an alternative that involves tightly controlling everything I can? Including my emotions, my interactions, everything.

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Even as I write, I am tempted to put this off till tomorrow because I am getting anxious about losing my train of words. I am not not going to stop, though. You will read my words, rambling on and on, and hopefully a few sentences will make sense.

So, back to solving the problem of anxiety. I don't have that full package solution yet, but I do know that it takes willingness. You will have off days when it seems like you're not making any progress.

Days when the voices in your head are louder than ever, and you honestly cannot drown them out unless you sleep into the next day. That's alright. The important thing, is that we don't let go. We know that we are loved, one way or another, by at least two persons in this big world. And we know, deep down underneath the pounding of our hearts and the pressure in our chests, that we actually do love ourselves. One day at a time, monthly, year round.

© Olatorera Dickson-Amusa