Musings Of A Mostly Straight Woman Or Why Sexuality Is A Spectrum Without Measure(Minus Pedophilia)

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⚠️. Might be a little bit descriptive, but nothing too erotic. There are two dimensions to this, and no true point. Just vibes. Enjoy!

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Olatorera Dickson-Amusa The hostel was full of girls in varying forms of nakedness. Girls who lay nude on beds with doors wide open. Girls who waddled in panties to friends' rooms.

Girls who plaited hair and gossiped, bare chests at eye level, oblivious to questions of sexuality and the awakening world. She would always wake early and dress up very quickly— cold baths in the narrow communal passage in front of her room with tiny drain pipes emptying dirty water into the gutters below— and rush to Esther's room, hoping she would be awake or more to the point, bathing already. Esther would be bent over, her slender arms washing down her long legs and her large breasts swinging pendulously. Perhaps it was those breasts. Or the sinuous movements of that slim, bendy body. It was never sexual, those sneak peeks. Not at first. But later on she would wonder why Esther had attracted her so much. Why she had stormed off in a rage that night, when Esther had made a new friend in the hostel and divided her attention between them. Later still, when her body became pretty too— with her unusual tan light skin, and her slim waist and curvy buttocks— and she took her showers with only her layered waist beads on, she would wonder why those girls passed so slowly; eyes tracing her trickling skin and small round chest. And when almost fully grown, she had wrestled with a best friend wearing only panties and beads— and she had playfully shaken her bottom over her friend's head and made the beads jingle— she had wondered at the pure lust in her friend's eyes, and the heat between her own legs.

Girls hug and kiss each other all the time and no one would bat an eyelid. But where she comes from two males holding hands however briefly raises eyebrows and caustic remarks. She has experimented, as all girls do, with boyfriends. Boyfriends because she had a moral code so rigid only first love and mad passionate infatuation could break through. She has always wanted to get married; true love as a concept appeals to her deeply. So deeply that she cannot imagine any other existence. A man who loves her, is salt of the Earth material, and chubby healthy babies. This does not stop her from taking screenshots of pretty girls at the beach artsy pictures of nipples prominent waists and smooth lips. Or from fantasizing about holding another girl's breasts in her palms during a hot makeout session. She is not gay and has never considered a relationship with another woman. No, not dogma nor traditional restrictions. She is such a free spirit that her mind really has no boundaries. Like water, she accepts with her intuition and reject with her spirit. She falls in love with men and is attracted to women's bodies. It is that simple.

Alright, wait up. Now, if you have read this far, I want you to understand that this is not soft porn or any of that nonsense. The point of all this rambling, is to explain that sexuality is NOT fixed. Women can want to get married and have babies, and still have a thing for other females. Okay? Okay.

Now, if you will keep reading, the next few paragraphs of rambling is for men. Enjoy❤️.

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What she has Seen About Gay men A boy is born to be a man.

What is a man? A man is gruff, strong and can talk tough when necessary. He really should not cry unless at a parent's funeral or his wedding. A man has eyes for everything in skirts and anything deeper than a brusque hug with much backslapping when it comes to his Bros, is unspoken taboo. And so with this concrete code of conduct that society has welded for boy babies for centuries, she knows how hard it is for those dangling within the loop of masculinity— or even totally out of it. People often argue— and she has joined them once or twice to say— that a woman's lot in life is usually harder. That might be true in the aspects of work pay equality, gender disputes and everything physical and patriarchal.

But she knows that in issues of emotionality, self-expression and sexuality men are truly disadvantaged. If she throws her mind back far enough, she remembers her first encounter with a boy who thought he was a girl. He certainly could have passed for a girl physically; with his hour-glass curvy body and his enviable long eyelashes. She had been in senior secondary 2— what the west will call her sophomore year. This boy had been a year below her, and he baffled and attracted everyone he met. There in the innocence of school with hearts as yet at all exposed to jaded prejudices, curvy boy was merely a curiosity; accepted for his wit, his ability to mingle with girls, talking about periods, boys and other snotty girls. She remembers one certain day, passing by Curvy Boy and his gang of giggling girls. There were two or three boys hanging around, as boys are wont to do when attractive girls are around. These boys were of course, trying to get the girls to notice them. The usual macho bunch swaggering around, shirts flying out fashionably and school trousers that had been thinned beyond recognition. Curvy Boy had been ignored, and she could feel the resentment swelling in his heart, in his eyes, until he burst out and said: “So you will not ask me out abi? Am I not prettier than all of them?”. There had been a shocked silence and then heavy laughter. The bell had gone then and they had all trooped back to their classes, still shaking in amusement at Curvy Boy's ‘antics’. What had stuck in her mind then, and until today, was how accepting and casual they had all been.

But he would never approach a woman who seemed equal to him; could never sustain a relationship for more than two months. Jay was a close friend and roommate of her then significant other, and as a consequence, she saw rather a lot of him. The weirdest thing about him, was how interested and detached in women he was, all at the same time. Jay seemed to want people to know that he was into girls, could get them to date him. He was open about his sexual conquests, and he was one of those guys who delight in talking about the female anatomy in detail, preferably in front of lots of other guys. Yet, he never really seemed interested in the girls apart from as a sort of receipt for acceptance into male society. What she remembers most, is how jealous Jay seemed whenever her significant other paid attention to her in Jay's presence. He seemed really attached to her S/O. He would watch S/O dance, talk, even eat. The part that sticks out in her memory though, is one particular day, when all three of them, plus another of their friends, this time a female, were reading in the room. S/O fell asleep, sitting beside Jay. It was a hot, drowsy Northern Nigeria kind of day. She and the other female also dozed off. When she opened her eyes, she saw Jay, arms and legs wrapped around her oblivious S/O, both of them fast asleep.

And it made her, and still makes her wonder. That maybe Jay has been hiding a sexuality condemned by society for years. Maybe he is overcompensating for his true desires by over conforming to what he feels is expected of him. Sexuality is so hard for men. And while she has no concrete opinions on sexuality, like so many radical activists, she does know that the heart wants what it wants, period.

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*Thank you for reading another one of my musings! If you enjoyed this, talk to me about it in the comments! Love, Torera.